My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, cold and tad shivering wearing Crimson Hotel's over-sized bathrobe then he said, "Kanina pag-gising ko may katabi akong thirties ngayon may katabi na kong forties!" (when I woke up in the morning I was beside someone in her thirties, now I'm beside someone in her forties). Deep inside I cried (shet!), I'm already old!
It's my birthday today and many other birthdays have passed and I always end up thinking that my loftiest aspirations have faded further into the distance.
But nevertheless, I'm happy and contented though not yet fulfilled. Then I hum this to myself - no matter how old you are now, you are never too young or too old for success or going after what you want. Are you with me on this?
Half of my life was dedicated on being a wife and a mom, was I successful? Am I happy? Bits and pieces of it were spent helping other people? Only a little percentage was left for me. For most moms, it may not matter, regardless, it matters to me, it should to yo too! According to the Bible we were made for a purpose.
When caught on moments when you feel you have wasted away times in your life, I always look on one person and He'd always make me feel, I shined and have given He's light on them who needed some directions. Then my perspective on what should life be changes and I become full of hope.
He never failed me, not once in my life...
Who He is?
He's the one who said I am! The Alpha and the Omega.
My family's great Provider.
The only One who accepts me for who I am, no matter what.
The One who rebuilt my life from rubles, and lifted me up to see my true potential.
The One who said "Be Still" amidst life's storms.
The one who taught me how to be strong, how to get wisdom, how to manage my family and the little money He have blessed me with.
I guess you know who I am talking about, it's Jesus, my Lord and Savior.
I've been writing about my faith in this blog, though not too often, since this blog should be about food accordingly, as it's namesake. I know I should be writing about how I feasted on my birthday, or what I made in the kitchen for a party or a celebration. Instead, I'm blabbering about a serious, kinda emotional matter.
What compelled me to do this, was this American Idol finalist's presentation. Here's a video from La'Porsha Renae with a truly moving song.
Allow me to be more than honest, like any other Christian, follower of Christ, my faith walk wasn't at all smooth, it was uphill, downhill, uphill, downhill, but you know what, when I was on that verge of giving up, He didn't!
He didn't give up on me, he even challenged me and I challenged Him back!
Before I accepted Christ to rule my life after Him saving me, I was agnostic, I was confused and relied on my instinct. My decisions in life failed me and I struggled in the changes that followed suit, such as having a child in college, becoming a mom and settling down without being able to experience corporate life.
My parents also gave up on me and all I felt was shame, I was so unhappy, but I have to cope up.
I used to have big dreams but I settled with the fact that I have to be a good mom and housewife, then with just that, my family grew big and me growing small, my dreams for myself that is. But I have high hopes for my kids, but those hopes may or may not rely on me still.
Until the time that I realized that everything is falling into pieces and I can only rely on Someone, barely seen and felt by many.
My life then was just okay, but I needed something, I didn't know yet, perhaps I felt incomplete, sober, tired. I accepted Jesus whole-heartedly and my life went pretty well until I grew in faith and served Him. I was happily serving Him yet I forgot about my dreams, I lost my self.
Then...my family went on a heavy turn-about. The family's faith was tried. I thought I was strong enough for any kind of turmoil. I discovered something that all marriaged couple despise. The reason that wrecks family life.
To add to the pain, my daughter at 5 years old got diagnosed with DKA (Diabetic Keto-Acidosis) and almost went on a coma, right before my eyes. When she recovered, she had to go through life, struggling with the help of insulin injections. Life became harder having to go through each day with a heavy heart, fear of losing a child, all the WHY's unanswered, realizing that my life is crushed.
Broken, depressed and tired, I became hateful, joy was robbed off of me, I forgot I was serving the Lord, I forgot that many were relying on me, I forgot I need to live a life, God meant for me.
But then, I have to decide for my kids, for my life for and for my own happiness. It was a choice after all.
When I talked to God about this, He said, "You have to choose, if you want a happy, fulfilling, successful life, you have to accept what you have right now, though harrowing, you need to let Me in and fix it for you?
Then He asked, "Can you be still, and allow me to speak to your storm? Bear patiently the pain until I finish fixing and reveal to you more of my promises?"
It's so easy to give up, but I was glad He was on my side, and He had been on my side all these time. So I answered Him a faithful "YES!"
That yes was my miracle.
Slowly, He lifted the pain, He brought me and my husband to a greener pasture. We were able to change our lifestyle through God's abundant blessing, we never could have imagined. We coped up pretty well with health issues and knowing God as our Healer.
No more pain. No more drama.
Just like what La'Porsha sang and claimed.
Sure, there were still be times when I get scared, I get confused and I get disheartened specially during the stages of rebuilding our marriage, but when I get knocked out again with disturbances from the past, I just hold on to His words:
"But they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not faint."
So yes, I'm already 40, probably missed a lot but I'm not late in committing to new challenges and have opened doors to more of God's blessings, with that I can say that if it happened to me, why wouldn't healing and success happen to you too.
That is if you open yourself to God and commit to a life lived under His wings.